Call it a biological directive or a spiritual urge, but for as long as I could remember I had wanted a baby. This yearning lived somewhere beyond rational thought, beyond societal pressure or family obligations. It was drawn into the blueprint of my identity. Before I met Randy, I had considered a sperm donor, and […]
The second hand tracked its wide orbit around the perimeter of a large clock on my bathroom wall. It felt like a watched pot. I shifted my eyes toward a pregnancy test sitting next to the sink. Within its small window, a test strip was conversing with my urine, while I eavesdropped. Finally, it delivered […]
All night long, a growling engine and grinding gears permeated my dreams. The relentless beep of a construction vehicle echoed off the foothills. It yanked me out of sleep and threw me headlong into the wilted pillows time and again. It was my husband, Randy, on some obsessed mission to rearrange the topography of our […]
The days turned colder as we approached Thanksgiving. My mother had arranged a family trip to a dude ranch. I worried about how Randy might act in front of my parents and brother. “I’m not going to Arizona,” he had announced a few days before we were to leave. “The last thing I need right […]
My phone buzzed against the tiles. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth, but I answered it, knowing Carol and I were close enough to share a bathroom. “Hang on, I have a toothbrush in my mouth,” I spat into the sink. “Listen, I’m having brunch with Randy and he’s freaking out,” she […]
December sunlight sliced through the French doors and fell in a swath on my kitchen island. Home from taking the kids to school, I dropped my keys next to the sink and inhaled the silence of the empty house. Another day of rushing Rowan through his morning routine had me on edge. I regretted yelling […]
A week had passed since her father died and I wasn’t sure I had seen Chloe cry. While her brother and I spilled our emotions all over the house, Chloe quietly rolled her eyes at us. At bedtime I started giving them extra-long snuggles. “How’s it going, honey?” I asked, cautiously. “Good,” she chirped in […]
What were they like, the final minutes of his life? Was he resolute, calm, even liberated, as he hovered between life and death? I imagined him swimming to the surface after eons of holding his breath. Astonished by the details of the moment. The vanilla smell of pine bark, the peeling paint on the deck […]
The swollen sun amplified the turquoise, yellow and orange storefronts of Oaxaca in December. I was thirty-two, and along with my maternal relatives, had rented a villa with a central courtyard, where we gathered daily. I was still under the impression that I had the perfect family. My grandfather sat on a tall wooden chair […]